The 24 Hour Rule

You know those little things that can become annoying? Like having to change the position of the shower head, or closing doors or turning off the lights after your spouse? When I asked my husband why those things don’t bother him, he said, “They just remind me you’re here.”
(Focus on the Family Magazine, February 2005)

Sometimes we just need to lighten up. I have a personal philosophy about what should go unnoticed and what things are noteworthy of discussion. I call it my 24 hour rule.

Basically, if the annoyance or “issue” will not matter tomorrow at this time, let it go! Here’s a simplistic example, but you’ll get the point.

You and your spouse on your way to an event ... to a place he has been before (maybe once – he thinks he remembers the way) but tonight you are running late. He’s driving and isn’t quite sure he knows which street … wrong turn. Later still. Back track … find the right way. Arrive later than seems polite.

Sure – he could have checked Map Quest …. But how do YOU respond. Tomorrow this event won’t matter. You will have lived through it. There won’t be another like it, probably. Does it matter very much. Really? Let it go.

Talk nice. Be nice. Be polite. Hey, maybe even treat each other like you would company! “Can I get you something to drink?” “Please.” “Thank you.” “Would you like a snack?” (We hardly ever yell at company!)

Let the little things go. Major on the major things. This is YOUR best friend (and definitely means more to you than company)!

“Hold them in very high and most affectionate esteem in [intelligent and sympathetic] appreciation of their work. Be at peace among yourselves.” (1 Thessalonians 5:13, AMP)

Two steps forward?

Marriage is an everyday decision.

Yes --- every day, you either move forward. You move backward. Or you stay in the same place as yesterday -- which is a move backward really.

My part of my marriage is personal. It’s up to me. Only me. It’s not a response to what my husband does … or doesn’t do. It’s not my reaction to his response of something I do or don’t do. Every aspect, every situation, every comment, every action is my own personal responsibility… one at a time. Moment by moment.

My part of my marriage is between me and God. How I do in this is a direct reflection of how well I obey what I know Jesus has said to me … personally. Some of these conversations have included instructions exactly like these:

“If any of you wants to be My follower, you must put aside your selfish ambition, shoulder your cross, and follow Me.” Matthew 16:24

“If you refuse to take up your cross and follow Me, you are not worthy of being Mine.” Matthew 10:38

“And you cannot be My disciple if you do not carry your own cross and follow me.” Luke 14:27

Did I mention EXACTLY like these?

So what is my cross? It comes back again, to putting aside my selfish ambitions. On purpose, I decide to respond in love, to forgive past wrongs, to think more highly of my husband, to find ways to out serve him (not an easy thing most of the time). To shoulder my cross is an ongoing awareness that love respects, honors, goes out of its way, makes dinner when I am tired because it blesses him so much. Some days my cross is laundry – folded and back in his drawers. Some days my cross is not arguing a point that I think I am more right. Some days my cross is leaving him alone to do what he wants to do --by himself.

None of these things are for his approval or recognition or even for him to notice! This is personal… very personal between Jesus and me. Together, we are counting the cost of what it takes for me to be more like Him. Looking at what steps to take. I am worth it. My marriage is worth it.

Not my agenda, but yours

I believe you should marry your best friend. Let me say it this way, I believe the one you marry should become your best friend somewhere during the courtship.

This is also why I think relationships need time before marriage to develop this kind of friendship. The kind of friendship that knows secrets, knows history, knows favorite colors, foods, and time-consuming hobbies. The kind of friendship that understands enough about each person’s parent’s marriage to know how it will affect their own. A friendship that tests times apart and long distance. A friendship that cherishes each phone call. And requires letters sometimes.

This kind of relationship says, “No, really, you decide.” “It’s no problem, I’ll wait.” “Yeah, we can do that today instead.” “Oh, that’s your holiday tradition? OK.”

“There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friend. “ (John 15:13)

The best way to show love? Lay down your own ideas, your own plans, your agenda for what he wants to do. Lay down your ego, your pride, your great thought, or your better way to get there for the other person. Sometimes that means being silent, not reacting, (No sighing, eye rolling – you get the picture). It’s all about keeping your thoughts to yourself when you’d really rather not.

Even better, it’s about pushing their agenda . . . pursuing what’s on his heart. Go the extra mile when you don’t feel like it. Go the extra mile when you do feel like it . . . and don’t wait for the acknowledgement (Sometimes it doesn’t come anyway).

Friends give each other the benefit of the doubt. They look at the intention of the heart and they are satisfied.

You see, we have counted the cost. He’s worth it. I’m worth it. Lay down your life. It’s the best you can give. Your marriage deserves it.