When talking to teenagers, you can’t shut up too much!

Many years ago, I received the best advice about raising a son from a mother whom I respect very much. Here’s what she told me:

“When your son starts to talk and communicate with words, listen to him and show interest in everything he talks about. This won’t always be easy because when boys (and really all children) are young, they want to talk about many things you won’t care about. But if you stay in the habit of listening to the things that are important to him, his interests will change as he gets older. By then, you will have developed a good habit with him and he’ll be comfortable to talk to you about anything.”

Great advice! Your son is never too old (or too young) for you to show an interest in the things important to him.

Granted, this was not always easy. My son (at 4 or 5 years old) could tell me play by play action of the most recent Sponge Bob Square Pants episodes. But I listened.

Today, he doesn’t talk about cartoons or TV shows so much . . . but at 19 has much bigger and more important things to discuss, and we have developed a good relationship. Today we really talk and listen to each other.

Here is some additional wisdom from Mark Gregston. I encourage you to visit his website at www.parentingtodaysteens.org.

Teenage boys will clam up if a parent expects them to look them in the eye when they talk. Instead, sit side by side, like in the car. And I find that all teens tend to talk more while they are involved in an activity, so you’ll be most successful if you can find something fun to do together.

Talking less may be difficult for parents, but when it comes to getting teenagers to open up to you, you can’t shut up too much. Don’t expect a long discussion; it may just be the “instant message” version, so listen carefully and repeat back what you think they said. Finally, be sure to ask questions to keep the conversation going.

Remember, ask questions. Then listen. You can’t shut up too much.

Keeping Our Priorities Straight

Guest Blogger: Scott Allen

This is an actual picture of the actual windshield of my son’s car yesterday. He’s fine. Thank God! It was a really freak incident and he handled it amazingly well. Debbie and I had been praying over him off and on all day. We witnessed an accident early in the morning that served as a “prayer cue” to cover our children in prayer – especially their vehicles and safety.

Yesterday afternoon his hood came unlatched while he was driving, came back and smashed his windshield. There were no injuries and no accidents. Just a smashed windshield, a very thankful family and a faithful God who daily makes his wisdom available to anyone who will tune in to receive it.

Take this opportunity to cover yourself and your family in prayer. Make a commitment to listen to wisdom when it comes and keep your priorities straight. You will never be sorry for following the goodness and mercy of God.

Psalm 91 (NLT)

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
This I declare about the Lord :
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.

If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
They will hold you up with their hands
so you won't even hurt your foot on a stone.
You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation."

Graduation - a change, gradually

If you have kids in school, especially high school, you know the end of the school year is right around the corner. The countdown has begun at my house . . . T-minus 19 school days to go.

I have a high school senior living at my house. And although in so many ways, the close of these next few weeks seems like the end of something, in reality . . . it’s a beginning.

Commencement -- That’s what we are preparing for right now . . . A ceremony prefaced by senior pictures orders, cap and gown measurements, announcements sent. Signaling the end of high school – yes. But yet . . .

The word “Commencement” is interesting here. Commencement defined: Beginning, first, kickoff.

It’s the beginning of a thing …. Not the ending of a thing.

Our son is graduating . . . this word is not an “ending” word either. It means to change, gradually. So, although the finishing of high school is certainly a major accomplishment and a major step, it is meant to be a gradual change in life . . . a gradual change to the next thing (in his case, it's college).

This applies to the parents too. Our son is our second (and last) child to graduate from high school. It’s an odd feeling . . . and yet, has been a graduation for us too --- a change, gradually.

So we all are commencing . . . beginning something new. We are parents, now, of grown adult children. It’s a little bit amazing to us. The years do roll along at a pretty swift pace, and yet, it’s gentle (at times), fun, overwhelming in moments, but steady. Time is time and the passing of it remains predictable. We have learned to make the most of it, enjoy every day, create memorable “bookmarks” for our children in their growing up, and cherish the responsibility the Lord gave us for these two amazing kids.

And so . . . we watch another beginning . . .

Super Hero or Not? Part 4

Rules Require Consequences

Some parents cringe at the thought of applying consequences, fearing it may harm the relationship they have with their teenager. Step-parents and adoptive parents can be especially conflicted on this point. But I’ve found that young people want rules from their parents, step-parents and adoptive parents. And what good are rules without consequences for breaking the rules? The world makes more sense to kids when they know what is expected and what is not. They feel safer when they know where the boundaries are. And they find comfort in the consistency of parents who stick to their guns, while loving their children just as much no matter how many mistakes they make.

My advice to you is to build maturity and character in your teenager through sound rules and reasonable consequences. Do this consistently, and with a strong and loving relationship, and I guarantee that someday you’ll hear your child call you their biggest hero — a true Super Hero.

This post is an exerpt from a blog by Mark Gregston, Parenting Today’s Teens. Connect with Mark at www.markgregston.com.

Super Hero or Not? (Part 3)

First-Time Consequences

When a teenager first misbehaves, parents can nip it in the bud by applying disproportionate first-time consequences. Unless a child learns a memorable lesson the very first time they are caught, each wrong deed can be a stepping stone to more serious missteps. Disproportionate first-time consequences ensure that the child never thinks about making that same mistake again.

For instance, if you catch your teen driving under the influence, you might consider donating their car to a local charity. Now, that’s a big deal to the teenager, but it could prevent them from dying in future a car wreck, or from having a lifelong problem with alcohol. Or, the first time they miss curfew you might require them to volunteer at the local mission every weekend for a month.

In both cases, the first-time consequences I’ve illustrated are both uncomfortable and memorable for a lifetime. The teen won’t soon forget that they lost their car or had to volunteer every weekend for making a stupid mistake, and they’ll wonder what bigger privilege they’ll lose if they do it again! Compare that to what most parents do today, which is to ground their child. Grounding can be appropriate at times, but grounding is more of a convenience to parents than anything — at least they know where their teenager is! If you resort to grounding, then couple it with something memorable and decidedly boring for your teen, like several hours of physical yard work with no iPod, no cell phone and no friends hanging around to entertain them.

Don’t Waffle on the Consequences

A parent is his own worst enemy when he waffles or makes idle threats in regard to consequences. It takes effort to properly discipline children, and that’s why it is easier for parents to warn, warn again, and then resort to yelling angry warnings instead of simply applying consequences. Warnings serve to tell kids that they have multiple opportunities to avoid consequences, and they quickly learn just how far they can exasperate their parent before the parent takes action. So, the house ends up in a constant state of chaos and everyone feels lousy.

If you waffle or don’t follow through, it’s an empty threat that will teach your teen that you don’t mean what you say, and he is not responsible managing the problems he creates. On the other hand, when your teen realizes that he’ll be held responsible for his actions and every part of his life, then your life will improve, and so will his.

So, what happens if your teenager holds out longer than expected? In other words, he keeps making the same mistakes in spite of the consequences. My advice is to hang in there. Rather than changing the game plan, continue to apply consequences, even if there seems to be no positive effect. Eventually they will take hold, but only if you don’t waver. If you stop or lighten the consequences, you’ll be giving your teenager exactly what he is holding out for. You’ll lose all credibility and it will undermine your ability to correct them at all in the future

Tomorrow Part 4 of 4. For more information about Mark Gregston go to www.markgregston.com)

Super Hero or Not? (Part 2)

Why Kids Need Consequences

It’s no mystery. Teenagers behave irresponsibly when they’ve not had to be responsible for their behavior. They do not magically become more responsible, mature, or wise as they get older. They learn experientially, and they get wiser by living. They learn by being given responsibility and by facing uncomfortable consequences for failing in that responsibility or making bad decisions. If they put their hand in a flame, they need to learn they’ll get burned. Even if you tell them they’ll be burned, at some point they’ll test out your theory. And if they don’t feel the sting of the fire when they do test it, they’ll likely do it again and again, just to show you that you’re wrong!

So, what does Scripture say about consequences? In Proverbs it says, “The Lord disciplines those He loves” (Proverbs 3:12a) and “Discipline your son, and he will give you peace”( Proverbs 29:17). Discipline is a principle found throughout the Old and New Testaments. So, there is nothing more loving, biblical and godly than to give proper discipline to your children.

Consequences can be the natural result of foolish actions, such as breaking a leg from jumping off a roof, or they can be what employers, parents or authorities use to bring about a positive change in behavior. For parents, the goal of consequences is not punishment; it is to help your teenager grow up. In adult life, we deal with consequences every day, and if we’re smart we avoid them, but teenagers still need to learn that wisdom, even though they are capable of being adults intellectually and biologically.

This is part two of a series I am reposting from Mark Gregston (Parenting Today's Teens).

Super Hero or Not?

The following is an excellent blog from Mark Gregston. During the next four days I will post his blog in its entirety.

None of us can see our own errors; deliver me, LORD, from (my) hidden faults! -¬ Psalms 19:12

Being a super hero works out pretty well in the movies or comic books, but when it comes to parenting, rescuing your teenager every time can lead to problems. It can spoil their ability to see the world as it truly is, and it can cause uncaring, self-centered and entitled thinking in your teenager now and throughout their lifetime.

Parents are wired to protect their children. It’s natural and it is needed in the early childhood years, but some parents continue protecting their offspring far longer than they should. Beginning in the teen years, kids need to begin feeling the impact of their own actions and to be given more responsibility for their own survival.

Counter to what some people might think, I find that the most irresponsible teens come from the most responsible parents. I call them “Super Parents.” They are so fixated on fixing problems that they fix all of their teenager’s mistakes as well. They don their cape and fly off to badger a teacher who has given their teenager a bad grade. They run faster than a steaming locomotive and bend steel bars to get their errant teen out of jail. And in everyday terms; they pick up their teen’s room, manage his money, pay his speeding tickets, wash his cloths and rush him to school when he oversleeps in the morning.

When it comes to parenting in the teen years, another name for a “Super Parent” is an “enabler.” They enable a teen to go right on breaking the rules and stomping all over everyone – and each time the teen is rescued it is from something a little more serious.

If you are an enabler, I’d like you to consider a different approach, for everyone’s sake. Life doesn’t have to revolve around chasing after your teen’s problems – even if you like being the super hero! Believe me; the problems will only get worse, not better, with every rescue. You’re not doing your teenager any favors. In fact, you’ll likely end up with exactly the opposite of what you are hoping for – a childish adult who remains dependent on you and cannot manage his finances, his relationships, nor his life.

The only way out of this spin cycle is to bring it to an end. How? By having a good talk with your teenager to tell them you will no longer be intervening on their behalf. Then hand your teen’s problems right back to them. They won’t believe it at first. They’ll think you’ll still rescue them, but don’t do it! They need to feel the bite of making their own mistakes, and they need to know you won’t come running (or leaping tall buildings) to rescue them. I’m not talking about “not being there” for your teen, or ignoring them and “throwing them to the wolves.” I’m talking about rescuing them from opportunities they encounter in life that will help them develop responsibility, make better choices, and mature.

Until the pain of consequences of behavior is greater than the pleasure a teen gets from that particular behavior, their actions won’t stop.

The Parenting Thrill Ride

While in Nashville a couple of weeks ago at the NRB Convention, I had the privilege of meeting Mark Gregston, author, blogger, and he also has a radio show that gives practical advice for parents, teachers, youth pastors of teens.

This is a repost in its entirety from a recent blog from Mark.

Parenting is rarely like a pleasant but slightly boring turn on a carousel. It’s usually more like a heart-stopping and unpredictable roller-coaster ride. In both experiences, the destination is never in question. But the roller coaster has more ups, downs and moments of terror.

As soon as you think you have it all together as a parent and feel as if you’ve reached a high point, you’re suddenly slammed into yet another dip, another turn, another uphill climb. One second you’re right side up, and the next second you’re hanging on for dear life and maybe even screaming at the top of your lungs.

But oh, how much more exciting is the roller-coaster ride! And how much more challenging! How much more thrilling, even with (or perhaps because of) the butterflies in your stomach, the fear, and the uncertainty of what’s around the next turn! On roller coasters, I’ve screamed out God’s name like a little girl. I’ve done the same in the twists and turns of parenting.

Prayer brings hope to my hopelessness and calms my anxiety when I need a reminder that I am not alone. Prayer reassures me that my confusion does not deter His plan.

Calling out His name affirms His presence, His power, and His purpose in my life. Regardless of how I pray— screaming from the roller coaster or in the quietness of my soul—I am reminded that just as there was a beginning, so there will be an end. Prayer brings hope to my hopelessness and calms my anxiety when I need a reminder that I am not alone.

Prayer reassures me that my confusion does not deter His plan. It calls me to look for the bigger picture, to embrace a larger view of whatever is happening, and to search deeper for meaning in the struggles and for purpose in the pleasures. Prayer reminds me that this parenting roller coaster is a ride like none other and that it draws on every attribute and ounce of strength I have to survive the ups and downs of the adolescent years and reach the end with relationships intact and training complete.

Prayer reminds me that the thrill of the parenting roller coaster is worth the discomfort; so I’m willing to crawl back into that seat and get locked in for another ride. Prayer changes things—including me. It has a wondrous way of changing situations. It forces me to remain focused on what’s important, and it helps me consider my teen from God’s perspective. Prayer aligns my heart with His and connects my heart with His so that my plans for my teen fall in line with His.
Today’s world sometimes seems to work against us. It’s a tough time to be raising teens. In this confusing culture, all the parents I know need as much help as they can get.

Help for both the parent and teenager can be found through the daily application of prayer. Through prayer, you’ll real¬ize that parenting teens isn’t so bad, even if it is full of ups and downs, twists and turns, climbs and free falls, fear and relief. After all, parenting wouldn’t be such a thrill ride any other way, would it?
Mark Gregston

Look at me when I’m talking to you!

As parents of small children, it seemed impossible to imagine what our 2 year old will look like, how he will act when he’s 18, what his personality will be. Instead, we enjoy every moment and just watch and experience every day . . . one at a time.

And soon enough, our toddlers are teenagers – wonderful teenagers. I have enjoyed every single day of every age of our children. And God is faithful to give wisdom for every age, every phase, every new aspect of young life.

Teenagers provide provoking conversations. They ask questions of their parents about life goals, dreams (you still have some, right mom and dad?) and the future. This all takes listening. Lots of listening. In the listening, make sure you stop long enough to also look them in the eyes. Your teens completely understand the depth of communication that can come with eye contact.

The following is from Mark Gregston’s blog (Heartlight Ministries). It’s a good reminder for all of us.

There is a vital link between the amount of time you spend listening to your teenager and their willingness to listen to you in return.

A friend told me this story. He said, “My son was upset about something and wanted to talk about it at that very moment. But he caught me in the middle of something. So I only half listened, and made no eye contact. When I was finished, I went back to talk to him … but he only half listened, and wouldn’t make eye contact. I asked why and he said ‘Why should I do that for you, when you didn’t for me.’”

The dad apologized and learned to listen to be a better listener, thereby assuring that his teen would do the same.

Look at them when they talk to you. Look at them when you are talking to them. This will make a difference. A huge difference in how the conversation goes. Every time. The eyes are the windows of the soul. Really. You’ll see more than words.

When Teenagers begin to show maturity . . .

The number one goal of a parent is to raise their children to become loving, confident, self-sufficient, sensible adults who love God, love and take care of their families, and contribute to community.

This is a quick 6 item list to help along the way from Mark Gregston of Heartlight Ministries – He gives good insight for parents.

So, what’s a parent to do when their child reaches the teen years and begins to show maturity?
Here’s what I recommend:
1) Loosen the reins, but remain watchful.
2) Continue to have a presence in their life; not one that dominates or hovers, but one that guides and limits when necessary, and sets them free to soar when appropriate.
3) Keep connected with the tools of their trade, like text messaging, cell phones, and social networking.
4) Invite their friends into your home, so you can get to know them.
5) Find some fun things you enjoy doing together.
6) And above all else, be sure to meet with them individually once a week, mostly just to listen to what’s on their heart.
________________________________________
©2009 Mark Gregston Heartlight Ministries

Tell them the truth ... even if it hurts.

We have two amazing kids… our daughter is 20 and our son is 17 (and a half!) They are smart, funny, quick witted and in some ways, wise beyond their years. To the best of my recollection, we always told them the truth. We answered questions honestly. Even the hard ones, like, “Did you ever do drugs? Why? “ “Dad, do you ever think about driving down this road and hitting this hill and hoping to get airborne?” (Dad, said, “Well, yeah!”) (Mom NEVER had that thought once).

We have answered questions about our marriage. “What’s the hardest it’s ever been?” “How do you make it work when you are both so different?” Our children will enter into relationships knowing that there is nothing they can’t ask us … and they know that in all things, we are on their team. Advice, direction, insight is ALWAYS about helping them stay on the right path. It’s ALWAYS about looking ahead to their 25th wedding anniversary with the perfect complement to who they are. That’s what we do. That’s just the kind of parents we are.

It doesn’t get much better than hearing your son say, “I trust your decisions, because so far, you haven’t given any bad advice.” (And when we do – yes, it happens --- we are quick to apologize). Being human and real with your teenagers is the best you can do. Every time.

Now a funny story . . .

Grandmas don’t know everything …

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?” She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sex, darling.”

Little Tony said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn’t called sex. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.”